you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
