I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
