Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize