you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
