Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
