you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
