Someone shit on the floor
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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