He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
