he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
