he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
