did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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