I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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