They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
