I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
