Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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