Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize