I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
