You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
