So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
