so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
