i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
