Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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