shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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