3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
