I cannot find my penis.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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