well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My liver just had a heart attack.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
