I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
