Can i not drive my cunt home
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
