Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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