I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
