I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
