im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
