Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
