She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It's blow job season.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
