the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's rum buckets o'clock
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
