I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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