I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
