and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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