wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
