DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
