cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
