So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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