I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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