do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
