The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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