I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
so let's talk penis.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize