I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
