Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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