I hate your face
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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