i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
