Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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