morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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