I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
