well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
