I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
this just has baby written all over it
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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