I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
