every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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